old journal page

base desire seized me.  hunger made me impatient.
the root fear of this being that of missing out. 

so the question arises---what am i projecting 
that i think i am missing out on 
(or not getting my fair share of)? 
yet being impatient, i live not in perfect present moment, 
only in an imagined one.

(reminder to self:   i have and am, all i require and desire in this moment. i choose this instant to be grateful)

the Source was, and still is, itself.  born from itself without expectation.
---and then, i allowed in expectation; 

learning of its withdrawal and believing myself unworthy. 
(ah, but how the heart is buoyant and elastic)

how sweet the beginning when i did not require reciprocity.  how precious my secret longing. how unexpected it might be the same for you. how wrong of me to believe we agreed on its definition.

how unwise was i at fourteen, at twenty-three, twenty-seven?

and when you withdrew, whether ordered to or not, 
only you know the truth.

so then, heart breaks.  a path lay before me.  
ego entered. ego experienced separation. 
ego wanted me to believe existence required you as the form.  
the breaking open of my heart led to this road of return.  
i am come full circle, yet wider.

you will never read these words, though you inspired them.

do we withdraw our love because we fear its being caged?  
do we withdraw our love believing another will be hurt 
if we love them not exclusively?  
do we reject love for the same reasons?

we do many things in the name of love.  
how do we know that what we do is a name, Love, would choose for itself?

if loving be the highest ideal, then why choose a love less than ideal?  
love from the place you want to experience it.

Love changes form when we choose to form its change.  we choose it, it chooses us. 
we choose from "what if" as though we are trying on the emperor's new clothes.  
we sometimes choose to believe the unreal as truth.  
we choose true equal love from the same place.

how often do we rush into a form of love thinking it will complete us, fill us, shield us?  
how often do we grant that which is only potential, the fullness of response?

is it folly or a heart courageous with trust?  
do we love only from that place where we receive?  from what we pretend 
Love will bring to us?  
how many of us place restrictions, conditions and pictures on Love?  
how many of us allow others to define it?

we calculate it and measure it.  
we assign it either credit or debit status, viewing it as liability or asset.  
we treasure it too lightly if it is offered too easily.  
we speak of winning love as if it's a prize or reward. 
we train for it as if it were a gold, silver or bronze medal  competition.  
we act boldly on the belief that love is a better than less than, absolute.

it's not love we desire---it's power we seek.  
we use love to hide our hungry hearts.

if hope springs eternal as some say, then love is a spring, a well.  
i say drink from it daily.  drink it in often.  
drink it with every breath and in every moment.  
drink it purely, without greed or fear,  and it will purify.  let it be motive power.

love stamps all accounts balanced and paid in full.  
love's account is always an open one, ready for deposit , 
so i say this, dear emperor:

           be you

           be whoever you imagine you are,

           be whoever you seek to be, then

           be more.

may you awaken to the places and spaces where you accepted another's truth according to their dictates.  thank them. love them. 

letting  Love be your guide in all matters, in all times.

Be Love, for that is what you are.  Love erases all borders in all realms.

~autumn 2003

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